


Trying to Live

by KaytheJay



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Cancer, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, aziraphale dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:10:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23804377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaytheJay/pseuds/KaytheJay
Summary: Crowley is forced to figure out how to live without Aziraphale
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	Trying to Live

The doctors had given up hope. They’d been working on Aziraphale’s case for over a year. Nothing was working, and Aziraphale was rapidly getting worse. They had decided that the best thing Crowley could do for him was to take him home so at least he’d be in a familiar environment when the time came. 

Crowley refused to give up. Aziraphale was also the last thing he had. The pair was all that either one of them had. Their families and friends had all abandoned them after they decided to get married, claiming that it was sinful and wrong. That they shouldn’t have even considered the possibility. Two men shouldn’t be married, that’s not what marriage was about. 

He didn’t know what to do though. The cancer was progressing too quickly for the hospital to do anything, which is why Aziraphale was here, in their bed. He was asleep now, though Crowley feared that he was drawing close to his end. 

Crowley hadn’t left the bedside since Aziraphale had been trapped to his bed, even in the hospital. He wasn’t about to leave him now. He had sacrificed everything to be with Aziraphale. He wasn’t about to let some disease take him away. Even if Aziraphale wasn’t himself anymore. 

“Angel, you have to keep fighting this,” Crowley said, even though he wasn’t sure if Aziraphale could hear him. “I’ve got nothing without you. Nothing. I don’t have anywhere to turn, no support. Nothing. You are what I have.” Aziraphale, of course, didn’t move. “I love you, Aziraphale. I love you so very much.” Crowley grabbed Aziraphale’s hand and squeezed it. He felt his eyes burning, so he closed his eyes to fight off the tears. Not now. He’s not dead yet. “You can’t die. There’s still so much that we have to do! We have to grow old together, goddamn it. It isn’t fair.” Crowley squeezed Aziraphale’s hand. He brought it to his face and kissed it. 

“Crow-” Aziraphale’s voice was barely a whisper. It was shaky and weak. Crowley had jumped at the sound of it. He pulled his chair in closer to the bed and ran his fingers through Aziraphale’s hair. 

“I’m right here, angel,” Crowley said. He gently caressed Aziraphale’s cheek. “I’m always right here.” Aziraphale smiled weakly and tried to sit up. “Oh no, don’t do that,” Crowley said. Aziraphale looked over to Crowley and sighed but relaxed again. Crowley got on his knees on the floor so he could more easily have eye contact with Aziraphale. He knew that that’s all Aziraphale had wanted in trying to sit up. They weren’t bright like they usually were. They were dull and as close to lifeless as someone who was still breathing could get. Crowley cleared his throat as a way to cover up the fact that he was almost ready to start crying. 

“Love,” Aziraphale croaked. Crowley hushed him.

“Don’t waste your breath, love. You’re going to recover from this. You are going to get better. We are going to live long lives with each other. You just have to get better.” Crowley squeezed Aziraphale’s hand. “You have to get better.” Aziraphale tried to squeeze Crowley’s hand back, but his grip was weak. Crowley turned his face away. Aziraphale couldn’t see him cry. If Aziraphale saw him cry, he’d give up on healing and they wouldn’t live the life they wanted. 

“No,” Aziraphale said as firmly as he could manage. Crowley looked at Aziraphale, the shock plain across his face. 

“No?” Crowley asked. “What do you mean no? Of course you’re going to get better. You’re going to get better and we-”

“No,” Aziraphale said again, cutting Crowley off. Crowley stayed silent for a few seconds. He could tell that Aziraphale was trying to gather up the energy to say something. He didn’t want to waste a single bit of it. Realistically, he knew that this might be the last thing Aziraphale ever said. He did not want Aziraphale’s last words to be telling him off. 

“Aziraphale, you are the most important thing that has ever happened to me. I hope you know that.” Aziraphale slightly nodded, though Crowley easily could have imagined it. 

“Love . . . you . . . t-” Aziraphale’s eyes suddenly looked up. His breathing hitched. Crowley stood up. 

“Nononononononono,” Crowley said. He knew exactly what was happening. “You bastard, you aren’t allowed to leave me now.” Aziraphale’s chest hitched one last time before he stopped breathing all together. “Aziraphale,” Crowley whispered as his knees buckled and he fell to the floor. “No,” he whispered so quietly it might as well have been a thought. 

***

Crowley didn’t host any big funeral for Aziraphale. The pair didn’t have anyone outside of each other, so no one would have gone anyway. Instead, Crowley opted to have him cremated and turned into a record. It is what Aziraphale had said he’d wanted when he realized he might die from the cancer. He never specified which song he wanted, so Crowley decided on “Earth Angel” by The Penguins. It had been “their” song. They’d used it as their first dance in their kitchen after their courthouse wedding. Crowley couldn’t imagine a better song to lay Aziraphale to rest with. 

Their house was covered in traces of him. Pictures all over their walls from their wedding, the years that they dated, and the many adventures that they’d had since. The pantry was full of all of his favorite hot chocolates. Closet full of his clothes. 

It wasn’t fair. Why did it have to be Aziraphale? Aziraphale was the good one. Aziraphale was the one who was supposed to make an impact on the world. He was the one who was doing all of the activist work. He was the one attending all the marches and trying to get a degree in law in order to become a politician. Aziraphale was the one who was supposed to do all that. What was Crowley supposed to do? Try and replace him? That would never happen because Aziraphale had always been much better at it than he ever could be. Besides, even if he wanted to, he wasn’t even sure if he was even smart enough to get into law school. He would help Aziraphale study and he still didn’t understand any of it. 

The blanket that Aziraphale had made for him was thrown carelessly on the couch. Crowley walked over and grabbed it and hugged it to his chest. It was something Aziraphale had made for him for their first Christmas together, and it had since started to fray a little. 

What did he do wrong? Clearly this was some sort of punishment from the universe. Crowley sat down on the couch. Aziraphale had picked it out. Aziraphale was always the one who had the better sense of style. They were both being punished. Crowley more than Aziraphale. Otherwise, why would the universe have taken Aziraphale? He was doing God’s work. Crowley was just a mediocre man who didn’t deserve to have an angel in his life. Maybe that was it. Maybe Crowley was never meant to be as happy as he had been with Aziraphale. Maybe Aziraphale making his way into Crowley’s life was the mistake. Crowley sighed. 

Aziraphale did always deserve better. He didn’t deserve to have to pick his family or the person he loved. Family was one of the most important things to Aziraphale. They were going to start their own. In fact, they’d decided to start the process of adoption right before Aziraphale had been diagnosed with cancer. They were supposed to be parents right now. 

Instead, they had been permanently separated by the graces of the universe.

***

After a few months, Crowley knew that Aziraphale wouldn’t want him to stop living his own life. He took it one step at a time. Firstly, he got a new job. He’d been meaning to for a while, but Aziraphale’s cancer had taken his focus off of that. He’d always wanted to get out of that stupid office and find somewhere else. Maybe even write a book. 

The new job meant more money and better benefits. That meant he got more paid time off so he could really try and decide what he wanted to do with his life. He knew he wanted to go back to school, honor Aziraphale’s memory in that way. But he wasn’t quite sure what he wanted to do once he got there. There was always picking up law, but he wasn’t interested in that. That had always been Aziraphale’s thing.

The next step was being able to listen to Aziraphale’s record without shutting it off. He’d had his distraction with the new job. It was time. He hadn’t actually put the record on since it’d been delivered because he knew it would be too hard for him. It was their song being played by Aziraphale’s ashes. And he was right. The first few times he tried it, he got so emotional about it that he was a wreck for the rest of the day. After a few weeks of trying, he was able to get through the entire song. It wasn’t without crying, but the idea wasn’t to get over it. The idea was to get through it. Aziraphale wouldn’t want his record going to waste. 

Then came putting himself out there. Not in the sense of dating. Crowley knew that if he were to date anyone else it would be highly unfair to them. He was never going to be able to let go of Aziraphale. No, what he was doing was trying to make new friends. In the rush of falling in love and trying to adjust to life as adults, they had forgotten to make new friends once their old ones had left them. 

It was hard at first. Crowley didn’t know how to talk to people. He didn’t know what to talk about besides Aziraphale, and no one wanted to be perpetually talking about his dead husband. He himself didn’t even want to do that. But he didn’t really know who he was anymore without Aziraphale. He hated that he had become that person. Eventually, however, Crowley was able to find himself and find some friends. Friends that were there to support him while he tried to get his life back on track. Crowley hadn’t been aware of how nice friendship could be and how much he needed them in his life. 

For a while, Crowley was as satisfied as he thought he was going to get. He was starting to kind of like his new job, though it wasn’t his favorite thing in the world. He had friends who supported him. He was listening to Aziraphale’s record every day to remind him of their relationship and all the fun times that they’d had. 

He began thinking of Aziraphale’s death as a good thing. Aziraphale had been suffering for a long time. Crowley couldn’t even imagine how much pain Aziraphale had to have been in towards the end of his life. It was selfish to hope that Aziraphale would stick around, he realized. He started talking more about the positive experiences he and Aziraphale had rather than all of the negativity that had been surrounding the end of his life. 

About a year after his death, Crowley realized what he wanted to do. He wanted to be a teacher. He wanted to teach students about the value of life. And what better way to do that then to become a high school choir teacher. They were always sticking it to teaching lovely life lessons. The classes were hard, but one he got a handle on them, he grew to love them. Music had always been that thing that connected him and Aziraphale and now he knew where it had come from and how to teach it. 

He would never get completely over Aziraphale’s death. That was to be expected. He did, however, manage to make the life for himself that he had wanted. Some of it lined up with the life that he would have had with Aziraphale, but some of it was not. He never ended up having children because his students were enough for him. Many of them stayed in touch even decades after they graduated. 

When it was finally time for him to say goodbye, Aziraphale was standing by the gates waiting for him. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hits and kudos mean the world to me. Comments fuel me into next week.   
> Find me on Tumblr @justanangelandhisdemon


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